MOM

When I see my friends talking to their mom, be it virtually (facebook, twitter, skype whatsoever) or in reality, i feel so down.

I never feel that kind of love, it is my mom never show or she really never feel it.

Up until now, I doubt, that I actually belong to the family. Because I dont resemble anyone. Even my mom or my grandmother or my siblings or cousins, whoever. I am not. But I do resemble the families from my dad side.

Okay that's not the point.

The point is, I miss something that we call 'mom's touch'. I really want to feel it, i am really deprived of it.

So, i cannot really love that someone who i call her 'mom' until now. The feeling is actually just a sign of a bit respect and for the blessing thing in case she is my real mom.

I dont feel like i want to love her. Never.

But, I just know that..

I NEED to love her. I HAVE to love her.

Although deep inside my heart, i DO NOT want to.

Sorry for saying this. But I have been feeling like this for 23 years, and it is unbearable.

Bye.

i dont want to go back.

Seriously.

Although I was born there. (urm, I am partially sure about that)o

I dont want to go back there. Where everyday my emotion is being torn, I rarely feel even a tiny of happiness.

I can barely count, how many days out of 20 years, I do feel happy and find my serenity there.


I think I have found another place for me to stay.

maybe here is my plan:


6 March 2013: go back to the hell, morning until night
7 March 2013: sleep sleep sleep
8 March 2013: sleep sleep ( i need to remind that bitch about jet lag)
9 March 2013: morning, heading to new college, evening, rest and explore the place
10 March 2013: get ready with school, books, arranging stuff
11 March 2013: start school.


and say bye bye to the worst hell ever!

aku benci gila nak balik malaysia dah!

at least kat sini, i have my own life, my own school, my own house, 2 years and a half without them is such a bless.

i dont know what to do then. lucky the holiday is just one week.