STRUGGLE (x boleh tulis dalam bahasa melayu, nnti org ingt terrorist plak kan =.=)

When it comes to exam, we gonna feel that we are facing the biggest battle ever. We put really hard effort for that.

But, people differ according to time and place.


Everyone has their different trials and challenges.


Here, we are fighting, we are having a battle, just using our pen, and paper, together with our mind, in the exam hall.


But, there, our families and friends in Palestine, they are having battle using blood, tears, and every single thing that they have.


So, if I keep on whining and complaining like I am having the biggest problem ever, shame on me.

Something that I keep as a secret

My breathlessness is getting worse.

Until I can feel like I can collapse anytime.

But I never tell anyone, I just write here. Maybe after I die, people can read my blog and know what I am going through.

Yes, it is hard for me to breath and it is painful, dull-like pain. But I dont have time, I have final exam this evening, and no one gonna have time to listen to my complain. Even me myself dont have time to think about this breathlessness thing.

From what I learn in school, usually shortness of breath can occur with activity. And yeah, I experienced that, when I am cycling.

So one day, I decided to walk to school instead of cycling so I wont face any breathlessness. Sadly, I still had the  shortness of breath until I have to stop walking for a while and inhale using my mouth and gasping for the cold air. 

Now, I am just at my study table, doing nothing, but reading and listening to some musics.

I still have my shortness of breath now.

It is a challenge for me.

But its okay, I need to continue studying because the exam is just few hours from now. Yosh!

Lonely

Being lonely is sweet, but tough sometimes.


However, the sweetness of being alone overrides everything. for me, honestly.



Because when I am alone, I have my own space and I am in my own world, where only me and Allah exist.



When I am alone, I can feel Him more.


Thats why I prefer to be alone. But yeah, I only get chance to be alone during final exam. Not even during the study week, but the only time is the night before the exam.


But its okay though. At least I still get my space and I am so happy for that.


Dear Allah, i miss You, i heart thou.



p/s: Today my breathlessness get really bad, I need to catch up my breath badly. Lucky I did that in my room so no one knows, it also happened in the exam hall but everyone was so busy so no one noticed. Great.

But the breathlessness cause pain in my chest. It is hard for me to breath. Am I going to die soon? Owh Please Allah i dont want to die here in Ireland, at least give me chance to go back see my family first.


Deep inside my heart, I realized, You own me Allah. My life is yours.



I love You Allah, I heart thou. <3

Useless or useful

I am totally useless.


i am useless to my friends, to ummah, to the deen, to ppimi, to puisi, to mara, to everything.



Seriously,

I am down to the lowest level one could ever be.

T_________T


cry wont solve a thing.


I am just disappointed with myself.


Today, 12/12/12 , 6.24 pm, when I read the msg in Whatsapp group, how can others be so proactive and I am so passive?


i am no use. again,


Thats why, I should die.

Someone should kill me.


It makes no difference whether I am present or not.

Hope everything will be fine

Tomorrow the exam will start at 6pm. Alhamdulillah. Phew.

So my plan tonight is:-

4.00-7.00 pm: Drug list for CNS

8.00-10.30 pm: Haem smpi pengsan

11.00-12.00am: Respi

Call abah before tido.

3.30 pagi- 4 ptg: Haem smpi muntah

Hehe. ALL THE BEST TO ME AND MY FRIENDS!!!

Reminiscing my old happy life

Suddenly, I am thinking if this,

Miss those sweet happy peaceful nice enjoyable life.

Really big cry. T________________T

LIFE IS A LEARNING PROCESS

I love to watch this.

He learned the hard way.

But the video is so inspirational. Cannot help myself from repeating it again and again.

1 down, 4 more to go!

Hamd lillah

Few hours ago, we just finished our very first exam for this semester, owh I mean our last exam in Dublin.

Tomorrow, around the same time, we gonna sit for another paper, Endocrine Diseases, from 12 to 2 pm.

What I learn from my mistake yesterday:-

1) FINISH the lecture notes first. At least repeat it twice.

2) Since tomorrow is essay paper, so tonight after reading the lecture notes, I have to make kinda a summary for each lecture, basically what it is all about so I wont miss a thing with Allah's help.

3) Memorize all the clinical presentations! Thats really important for the case study.

4) List the drug names; just like what I did for GIT. It really helps! Amazing!

5) Wake up early in the morning. 4 am is the latest. Thats all.

All the best to me and my friends.

ROBBINS BASIC PATHOLOGY

The lecturer always said, "The lecture notes are not enough. Definitely you have to go back and read your Robbins."

Yeah, I want to do that. I know, I am a hardcore of study-fan. I am study oriented person. I am study type. But here, I just dont know why, I think I am losing everything.

I dont want to tell it now, here. Cz it will take my time, which only few hours left before the exam starts.


And do you want to know when can I read the Robbins book peacefully?



When?



On the night before the final exam!

FINAL EXAM FIRST SEM THIRD YEAR MEDICINE

Owh seriously cannot believe I am third year student... Do I look like one? Hehe

So, tomorrow is the day.

The day of my final exam.

Back to back exam. Ouch. Hope it will be fine for all of us.



I really hope so.


And for the BIG thing that gonna happen at the end of this month, I hope, I pray to Allah it will turn out well too insyaAllah..



Help me Allah, help us Allah. We are weak, we are desperate, yes we are.





OMG exam in less than 24 hours!!! And there's still a lot of stuff for me to cover!!!!!
ngaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM DISEASES

Okay, so far these are the topics that I need to cover for the exam. But hey, this is just one module. There are another four modules waiting, with more or less the same number of lectures! :D

1. ICP, cerebral edema, head injury
2. Stroke
3. Ischaemia, anti ischaemic agents
4. Meningococcus, borrelia
5. Drug actions in CNS
6. Eneteroviruses
7. Herpes Viruses
8. Infections of CNS
9. Brain and spinal cord tumours
10. Anxiolytics and hypnotics
11. Drugs treatment for degeneration
12. Neurodegenerative disorder
13. Antipsychotics
14. Muscle and Nerve Diseases
15. Skeletal Neuromuscular Blocking Agents
16. Disorders of myelin
17. Antidepressants and mood stabilisers
18. Narcotic analgesics
19. Drug dependence and drug abuse
20. Anticonvulsants
21. General anaesthetics
22. Neurotoxicology

I dont know where am I standing

Yesterday, a friend of mine called. Crying.

I wonder why. I said to her, "Its okay. You can cry. I am going to listen. Whenever you are ready to talk, you can tell me what you like. Just get everything out of yourself and make yourself comfortable".

Then she told me the reason.

She is UNDER PRESSURE. She said she still have a lot to cover for the final exam. Gosh! I dont know what to say, it is like Albert Einstein (too exaggerate, okay, let say, someone you know for the well-performance in examination) suddenly complaining to you and asking your opinion on how study and such, haha I dont what to feel.


But for me, I felt really motivated. How can such a person who study really hard said that there's still lot to cover? Then, what about me? Dont have study group, always dont have time for study, always fall asleep, always busy here and there, I think I should be the most worrysome person on Earth.

So, thanks to you, my sweet friend, for calling me. I was touched, because you called me. Seriously. <3 <3 <3


And I know, I need to use this time that Allah give wisely. Because I will never get this time back.


The clock is ticking. Angels are watching, Allah is watching too.

I am going to make full use of your time, Allah. Thanks for giving it for free. I heart thou.

We will not go down

Because I am a human being, I listened to this beautiful song by Micheal Heart.

I think I've got it back

Hmm..after few days wasting my time...

What should I say? Those who are struggling from the very first day of school are really working hard during this study week...But here I am...


I havent got a chance to study like them, but I dont know why, I did not even appreciate this study leave time. I wasted my nights, wasted my days, surfing internet, facebooking, games, movies, day dreaming, and SLEEPING!


But I think just now I just got my spirit back. So, tonight, whatever happen, I am going to keep myself awake. As a punishment for being such a sleepy head this few days.

I am going to start now. It is never too late. So, while taking shower just now, I decided. There are few things that I need to change. Seriously.

Because I want to be success in both. I want to pass my exam with flying colours, and I want PUISI to be a successful event. And I want my trip to Tunisia become the best trip ever.

So, I need to change.

1. SOLAH time.
I really need to be punctual. Especially Subuh. And starting today, I will try my best to perform solat sunat.

2. DOA time
I am going to make it longer, and must-say-stuff are: parents, exam, PUISI, Tunisia.

3. Make a list WHAT TO DO (puisi thingy)
I am going to do all this stuff when I am sleepy or too much stuff inside my brain. And I am going to tick them one-by-one. 

Thats all for now. I hope I will become more productive from this moment onwards.

Amin, I hope You will like this, Allah, I heart thou.

I need little drugs

This supposed to be our study week. Final preparation for the very final exam.


But here I am, Sleeping and surfing internet. Maybe because there's too much stuff inside my head thus I want to stop doing everything.


Seriously, I am under depression. And to you who texted me and said I am not the one who having problem, and the world does not revolve around me, thank you. Thank you for putting your anger on me. Thats it. Now i know you and all this while I've been patient with you.


Sadly enough I will never join you guys again. I will lock myself inside my house and thats it. We are not going to meet again.

Humanity

This is a must watch video. One hour spent is really worth it.

I hate you, Israelis!

COWARD

I think I've found the real meaning of coward.


You want to know what is it?

Coward simply means Israel. None of them are brave. They are wrapping their fear with weapons and arrogance.


The. World. Hates. You. Israel!

No more assuming

Making assumption is tiring

Someone spoiled my mood during my birthday night

When you can act nice in front of someone you wanna slap, you are actually acting matured and more like an adult.

Basically, how to communicate with someone who hates you is really hard. And it is harder if we hate that person too!

I hate you and I want to slap you, no matter even if the whole world want to kiss you, I never care!

Today is my birthday

Tuhan betapa aku malu atas semua yang Kau beri padahal diriku terlalu sering membuatMU kecewa
entah mungkin karna ku terlena sementara Engkau beri aku kesempatan berulang kali agar aku kembali
dalam fitrahku sebagai manusia untuk menghambakanMU
betapa tak ada apa-apanya aku dihadapanMU
reff:aku ingin mencintaiMU
setulusnya,sebenar-benar aku cinta
dalam do'a dalam ucapan dalam setiap langkahku
aku ingin mendekatiMU selamanya
sehina apapun diriku
kuberharap untuk bertemu denganMU ya Rabbi

GOD (Allah) Gives, Gives, Gives and Forgive.
I Get, Get, Get and Forget.

Have faith.

Have faith. My time will come. Surely.

My Hearts in Donegal, for real

I love Ireland. I love every single thing about Ireland.

Time

The time will come.



For sure.



Just we don't know the exact time.



But, it will come, for sure. Whether you are ready or not.




It will. That's what Allah said.




p/s: the clock is ticking, angels are waiting, what am i doing?!

I AM BACK AFTER FEW DAYS!

Peace be upon you.


I've been away for few days, yeah. Went somewhere to learn, over the weekend. Guess what? It was kinda fun, indeed.

When I reached home, I went to the kitchen first, then I saw my friend, kinda miss them a lil bit, and saw so many foods on the table. They were nice, okay. Celebrating me with smiles and warm words, which I like it so much when people do that to me :)

Gosh, such a pampered and spoiled kid. That is soo me. *proud?*


Then, I took a long shower, after few days away, need to recharge myself, and then I called someone that I feel closer than my real mum. I am going to leave her for good, and I feel like crying to leave her here.

I love her, I am sorry (for that someone, I know, I have to love you, but I just can't, I forced myself few times, but always failed).


I dont need anything more that love expression. I know, in our culture, family dont really express love, but I just need that. I dont know whats wrong with me.


The bad memories when I was kid keep hunting me. I am afraid I cannot love you, forever.

I do love you, but that love is, I would say, its kinda created by me. I cultivated it. It did not grow inside me. I dont want to love you, but I have to love you. I am sorry for that.


i just cannot help myself not to remember what happened when I was a kid. When I was naive, when I was stupid, when I did not understand anything, you guys thought I did not remember, but actually I do.


Maybe that is one of the gifts from God (Allah) to me. I can remember exactly my childhood memories.

Defo, I love you less.








Sorry.

I don't know where to start organizing my stuff, and, most importantly, my life.

I know there pile of stuff waiting to be settled. I know it is hard, but it is not impossible.


Help me.


Although I am kinda helpless.

I am under pressure. Caught.

TIME MANAGEMENT

So my class finished around 6 pm. After printing tomorrows lecture notes and did some groceries, I reached home around 6.30 which pretty early I guess.

I prayed and then had quick dinner (wrap) and since then I had been on the phone for hours, discussed with people here and there, about this and that, almost everything related to 'that thing'. Urgh that 'big thing'. Cannot disclose about this yet.

And now it is 12 am in the morning. And I havent start studying! At all. And haven't start doing my homework (tutorial) as well!!!!

Gosh there are so many things to do, so many things to think of, so many things to handle and so many things to coordinate.

I am a medical student. My parents sent me here to study. Enough.

The moment I want to start studying, I feel weak, tired and sleepy.


I am really under pressure.




p/s: I hate seniors. They dont help. They judge.

THINK POSITIVE

When life gives you lemon, make lemonade from it. They said.

But, the truth is, for me at least, when life gives lemon, it will irritate my eyes, and I will cry.

I am too fragile, I know that.

Perhaps I am not strong enough.

Being pampered much.

By whom?

By my dad. I know, he loves so much. Thanks Allah for making my dad as MY dad.

But, for the other person, I tried my best, for years, to love him/her (I am not going to mention the gender here). I tried to miss him/her, but simply, I cant. There's nothing about that person that can make me miss him/her, or love him/her.

Sorry about that. I know you deserve more than anyone else, but maybe one fine day, we should sit together and reflex. I believe, we will both come to a conclusion that it is okay for me not to love you (yeah, I do, but not much, just for the sake of respect, and I have to love you because I have to, not because I want to).

But my friends pampered me. 

Since I was in primary school, high school, foundation, university.

EVERYONE.

They pampered me and never done anything bad to me. They laugh at my jokes, wipe my tears, treat me like a kid, celebrate my birthday, never angry with me, etc.

So , I would say, God is fair.

Every cloud has silver lining :D

4 weeks to go. 

Final exam is coming soon.

As well as 'that thing'.

God I am nervous. Can never imagine.

Help me.

:(

MY WISH

I know this is impossible.

And it is not good. Because it can change nothing.

But, I am just depressed. Seriously.

I have one wish.

I want to turn back time.



Back to the time when I was in first year, when I was still innocent, my circle of friends were just those from K*B (where i had my foundation years), people didnt know me, and i didnt know people either.

My life back in 2010 was happy. Just one word to describe it. Happy.

I want to go back to my first year.

Cry. Can. Change. Nothing.

I hide my tears with my jokes.

I am wrapping my sadness with craziness and smiles and jokes, with no one knows what inside my heart, and how big the pain that my heart actually putting up with.

Painful truth.

Really painful.

Students are amazing because they can finish one semester lecture notes in one night or at least one day.
:P

I need a teddy bear. A big one.

WHY?

because I am super duper lonely.

And depressed.

everyday?

Kind of.


I miss the old times. When I was young, or at least, when I was more innocent. (During first year of medical school, perhaps? )


I don't need a hug. I need food. And a sweet escape.

Nerding time! LOL

Opss! The small mini stick note on the wall! 'I love study!' Fakeness overload :D

Errr..why I dont know how to rotate? By the way, now I am trying hard to remember  drug names.  That's. What. We. Call. Fate. 

ENDOCRINE DISEASES

So, now i am studying for tomorrow exam.

Finally, tomorrow will be the last day for mid term. But wait! Aha, final exam is coming in 4 weeks!! Basically, winter semester will be the hectic sem ever, but its okay. I am still enjoying my crazy weird life though.

Okay, just now, i  revised about estrogens and their agonists hormones, their clinical uses etc.

First of all, based on previous knowledge, hormones will bind to hormone receptors and they are the member of Nuclear Receptor Superfamily which are subdivided into 3 more categories:-

i) Class I Nuclear receptor (NR)
ii) Class II NR
iii) Orphan

Estrogens can give their effect on endometrium,breast, bone, skeletal muscle, cardiovascular system, and central nervous system.

There are few types of  estrogens agonist. And again, agonists can be subdivided into full/ strong agonist, partial agonist or weak agonist.

Okay, so back to the concept, WHAT ARE ESTROGEN AGONISTS? (i.e substances that can mimic the action of estrogens?

Again, haha, ot can be subdivided into 3 classes.

i) natural agonist (estradiol estriol, estrone)
ii) synthetic estrogens (ethinyl estradiol, mestranol)
iii) non streoidal estrogens (diethylsyillbesterol)


Huh, crazy enough ha? relax, this is just 0.00000000000001 % of what we have to know in total =.=

I just wanna be cool. Like this. haha

I think I will die soon.

Yes, everyone will die, that's for sure. But for my case, it is like 'soon'. I don't know how soon, but kind of soon.

WHY?

I always have problem with my brain, feel like I am going to collapse anytime, sometimes i do have double vision, or blurred vision.

Breathlessness? Gosh, thats countless! So many times! >.<
Palpitations (awareness of heartbeat) and sometimes I do feel like my heart is going to burst our from my rib cage so I lengthen my hand to catch the heart in case it really jump out from my chest. Urgh that's insane dude!

So, I think I will die soon.

Real soon.

So, what should I do?

1) Call Allah more often. Ask Him so that I will die in a good way (husnul khotimah).
2) Seek forgiveness from Allah,
3) Spend more time to read Quran and zikrullah.
4) Call my parents more often.
5) Pay the nazar, fasting in Ramadan, any salah.
6) Take care of the relationship with people around.
7) Persatuan thingy -paperwork and stuff; pass it to someone so if I die, they will still get access to my laptop and the stuff inside.
8) Tell him that I love him. Used to.

Why i cannot concentrate?

Tomorrow is the day.

6.00 pm: endocrine diseases
6.50 pm: central nervous system diseases

Back to back exam yet i am still lay back. Blogging.

Why?

Because i am having headache and that cause problem to my vision,, hmm i feel like my pituitary gland is actually compressing my optic chiasm causing me to have problem in vision.

I have to squint my eyes to see things... Because sometimes it is not to clear.. Hurm so sad because i love my eyes so much. And my brain too..

Eh need to study!

So today somebody came to my house. it was amazing, it was fun, because i had opportunity to pray and recite mathurat together; something like a good kick-start to continue a super duper sad hectic depressing life.

may Allah bless her. and the other one as well who came last night and spent Subuh prayer with me.

Allah, thanks for helping me to occupy my heart with YOU. Yes, with You and only You.

Because Allah, You are THE PERFECT CREATOR. I miss You and I hope I can meet You one day. Hopefully, I will be able to pay for your paradise and to meet You, our ultimate goal, indeed.

I make this blog so private because it is only between YOU and me, Allah. It is so sweet right Allah? I never see You but I know You see me, You treat me like a child, You taught me lessons of life, You rubbed me against stones, not to hurt me, but to polish me so I will become diamond.

Oh Allah, I miss You, indeed. I want to meet You but I know my good deeds are definitely not enough.

owh forgive me Allah.

I need to stop for a while, now. Go back to study, and will never forget You.

WHY?

because You are my God and You are the King of my heart.

Tuhan leraikanlah dunia yang mendiam dalam hatiku,
Kerana di situ tidak ku mampu,
Mengumpul dua cinta,

hanya cintaMu kuharap tumbuh,
Dibajai bangkai dunia yang kubunuh...

dengarlah lagu raihan 'Antara 2 cinta'. serius best! x tipu! mmg meremang bila dengar hihi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShKuIB6EPFE

I want to turn back time. I miss the old me and I miss the old you. I miss the innocent me and the caring you.

Assalamualaikum,

I want to go back to this place. Really.

The weather today is really nice, I love it. I really love to see after-rain scenery. It just calm my heart.

And owh, ya.

I am desperate. I mean, desperately desperate. I dont know what to do, where to go, where to hide myself. I want to turn back time, hide in the cave I used to hide, and being ignorant all the time.

Why?

because I have to carry a really big responsibility now. And sometimes it is really hard because I dont really into it. Why?

i just, simply, I dont know.

Am not ready?

NO.

I am lost. I am a lost kitten among tigers. I can never stand up on my own. I miss my dad.

I hate being here, in a country so far away from my country, but sometimes I love it here.

Mood swing maybe? Just dont know, again.

I love to sing, and I love to eat too!